Recently, I had a conversation with Logan Ury, a behavioral scientist and dating coach, regarding what to consider before diving back into dating after a breakup. While she shared many insightful points, one concept particularly resonated with me: “Tarzaning.” This term describes the tendency to leap from one relationship to another without taking the time to reflect on the lessons learned from previous partners. Intrigued by this idea, I decided to delve deeper with Ury.
Meet the Expert
Logan Ury is the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, a dating app designed to facilitate meaningful connections. With a background in behavioral science, she has transitioned into a dating coach and authored the book How to Not Die Alone. At Hinge, Ury leads a research team focused on helping people find love, and her insights have been featured in major publications such as The New York Times and The Washington Post.
Ury explains that successful daters often pause after a relationship ends to evaluate their experiences. She emphasizes that one way to heal from a breakup is to view it as an opportunity to make better choices in the future. However, not everyone takes this time for reflection, which can lead to Tarzaning—a common mistake, according to Ury. “When you swing from one relationship to another, you miss the chance to reflect, learn, and grow,” she notes.
This habit of moving swiftly from partner to partner can trap individuals in a cycle of attracting the same types of people repeatedly. To avoid ending up with another immature partner, Ury underscores the importance of self-reflection and clarity about future relationship goals. “Understanding the choices you made in your last relationship and what you’ll change moving forward is crucial,” she advises. She recommends journaling or discussing these questions with a friend:
- Who were you in your last relationship? (For instance, were you the leader, the follower, the mentor, or the one hesitant to commit?)
- Who do you aspire to be in your next relationship?
- What have you learned about what truly matters in a long-term partnership?
- Moving ahead, what qualities will you seek in a partner that you overlooked before?
If you feel you’ve put in the effort to reflect but suspect your current partner hasn’t, Ury suggests asking them about their past relationships. “If they can provide thoughtful, introspective responses, it indicates they’re making conscious efforts to improve,” she explains.
Lastly, Ury reminds me that dating is a skill that requires time and practice to master. Mistakes are part of the process, but as long as you learn from them and apply those insights to future relationships, even negative experiences can be valuable.
